breaking down

I am in such a funk that I lose it if the wind blows the wrong direction. Today, while picking up the boys at school, I lost it. Crying in front of people that I wouldn't want to see me cry normally. I feel like I have lost all sense of reality, and I need someone to take over for me. How can I help the people that are depending on me if I can't help myself?

must get help

I need some help. Overwhelmed every day, I am just trying to stay afloat in this mix of life. I am not winning.

soccer no more

Sam has never really liked playing soccer. He has watched his brother play all kinds of sports through the years though. He has also seen that after playing said sport, he receives a trophy at the end of the season. That was enough motivation to try playing his first organized sport. In my book, he wins just for trying. It is so much for a kid with vision issues to try and watch a ball in play while 15 other kids are running around him. He just looks lost out there, but it does serve for some comic relief when he is a "wall" at goalie. Sadly, the trophy is not enough for him this year. We will re-examine the idea in the Spring when the season picks back up.

breaking all the rules

I hate it when it happens, breaking all of the rules that is. Lately it is happening more and more. That bothers me, but I can't seem to get out of this downhill spiral that I seem to be on. There are mom rules that everyone knows about. Sometimes they get broken or bent, but at least when you are trying your best, you can be a little forgiving to yourself. I am not feeling this way at all. I have been a monster to my kids, they are afraid of me at times. I can see it in their faces. Man, that hurts.

CRAZY...

Using spellcheck, this is what it said. SUSIE. Hmm, imagine that.

normal?

It is funny, I think, when you get an autism diagnosis. A person tends to lose perspective on the "normal" things in life. For example, sibling rivalry. Do the boys argue with each other about everything because they are brothers two years apart or is it more than that? Sam can string along lots of good days and then bam...the shit hits the fan. Anything and everything is a problem. I don't know anymore what is real. The thinking part of his brain is ALWAYS working. He takes our conversations and twists them just so.

Here is one...

S: Would you be sad if I died?
Me: Of course I would be. You are my heart and I can't even begin to think of my world without you in it.

Same conversation, weeks later and when he is angry...

Me: Sam, when we get home, you will need to go into your room and take a break. (After smacking his brother and slamming the car door so he couldn't climb into the car).
S: I hope I die when you are still alive so you will be sad and cry.

Okay does this need a response? I am speechless after one of these zingers and I don't know what to say. I know what I feel though. Helpless and oh so very sad. My heart aches when I hear these things. I know I should be able to detach from his words and just help him but I just can't sometimes. I worry that he does know what he is saying, and is trying to hurt me. My gosh though, he is only 6! What is he going to have to say when he is 16?